If you're worried about losing your identity by having kids, seek inspiration close to home.

At some point around week 30 I found myself having some sort of identity crisis: I felt keenly that my professional sense of self was slipping – and the alternatives that presented themselves were not working for me.  

The first was inspired by my mother who emailed me a link with a nappy changing bag she wanted to buy me.  It said ‘Yummy Mummy’ on the front.  Crikey.  

At the other end of the spectrum, a colleague was telling her birth story.  Towards the end of labour things had slowed down, and the midwife suggested she try sitting on the loo ‘like she was going to have a poo’ (her words).  The tactic was successful and she eventually gave birth on all fours, completely naked and (her words again) ‘yowling’, her bottom sticking out of a teeny bathroom cubicle with three midwives and her husband crowded in the doorway poised to catch the baby.  I visualised myself in a similar circumstances and was confronted by the realisation of our base human function on this planet. Not something my day job usually calls for.

So, director of an international ad network, yummy mummy or animalistic biological reality?

This led me to wonder how I would define myself in future. So I had a think about successful mothers. Oprah comes up in Google but doesn’t qualify. Madonna; not sure about nicking African babies. Angelina; can’t get over that Billy Bob vial of blood business (and anyway, too early to say). Anna Wintour – The Devil Wears Prada.  Margaret Thatcher – Mark Thatcher. Michelle Obama – yes... but.  Cherie Blair – well, maybe.

On a trip to America during my pregnancy I attended a training course, and the most enlightening thing about it was the connection that the baby establishes between me and women who have combined motherhood with senior roles. These women are keen to tell me about their experiences, and universally express their positive feelings about being a mother and a professional being.  The lack of British cynicism (‘Oh mine’s 21 and still causing me trouble’) is a relief and hugely empowering. As is their sense of the bigger picture; the ‘having a baby’ stage is only a fraction of the experience. Most of these women have teenage and older kids, and they speak passionately about how their lives are enriched by these deep relationships.

It strikes me that looking to celebrities is completely the wrong approach. You simply have to look at the (previously amorphous) army of inspiring, interesting and successful women out there who are combining their career with their family.  For me, a beautiful photograph of Cilla Snowball, who runs our UK operations, receiving a CBE in the company of her three kids was the perfect reminder of this.

Women who return to work after maternity leave can be more effective, more confident leaders, says Jennifer Liston-Smith.

Is motherhood the source of all of women’s power, or our Achilles heel? Generally, we understand both these positions. But somehow we’ve focused recently on ‘supporting’ new mothers at work - rather than embracing their return as if from a prestigious, high-powered sabbatical. Whenever I try out the concept of Maternal Leadership, people recognise that the transition to motherhood can be viewed as a developmental step, bringing new capacities of value to employers. It’s not just a regrettable career break, or a challenging time that needs to be accommodated.

This shift in focus powerfully struck psychologist Margaret Chapman, author of the Emotional Intelligence Pocketbook. Margaret saw that while the women she observed spoke of a loss of confidence and (potentially) competence in their work roles, they also felt empowered as women - in a way that didn’t seem to have found its voice in their working presence. In our joint paper at the Equal Opportunities International Conference in July 2008, she observed: “These findings suggest that motherhood (referred to by one woman as the “black box”) holds great potential and is an example of accelerated learning”. As Liz Hall, editor of Coaching at Work, put it: “Female leaders are discovering that the ‘mothering’ skills they acquire on maternity leave are also distinctly new talents critical to successful leadership”.

So how do women balance this sense of empowerment with their need for renewed confidence as they return to work under new conditions? Here are three options.

1. Take (and retain) a series of mental ‘snapshots’ of your needs and challenges at different points during the transition. These can help link who we are with who we have been, and who we are becoming. Sit down and identify your main aspirations and values:
- During pregnancy (before maternity leave)
- After giving birth, while still on maternity leave, and
- Following return to work.
This can provide continuity and stops you forgetting the bigger picture amid the overwhelm of new motherhood.

2. If you find you’re focusing on deficits and losses in relation to your work performance (like telling yourself you're less likely to gain promotion if you’ve negotiated part-time work), why not instead notice things that are actually going well, and have changed for the better (I’m better now at focusing on the top priorities during my shorter working hours).

Using Positive Psychology can help. Research suggests that individuals are happier and experience fewer depressive symptoms if they identify, on a daily basis, “Three good things” that have occurred. Take the woman who leaves home before 6am, delivers baby safely to well-chosen nursery, arrives at office with suit still clean, carries out smart business deals, makes phone calls to rearrange nursery pickup when late meeting proves unavoidable, arranges to teleconference late meeting the following day to make up time with her child - then explodes in a unforgiving burst of self-reproach when she remembers she has forgotten to buy crucial organic veg on the way home. She could try writing down three things that went well each day - and why - every night for one week.

3. Now look at how your repertoire of leadership styles is expanding. Is the new mum better at multi-tasking, because she’s willing to enable others to perform for the sake of getting things done in the smartest way? Do we have, as Christine suggests, a more mature sense of self and our own authority? Do we bring to work the deepened sense of connection with other human beings that mothers often report (a bit like Christine’s private club)? If so, are we more likely to be in that group of effective leaders able to operate from at least three different leadership styles (e.g. Coaching, Authoritative/Visionary, and Affiliative)?

It may seem a small start. But reclaiming the leadership potential released in becoming a mother is made up of what we choose to notice in these small, momentary shifts of focus.

References
Liston-Smith, J and Chapman, M. A (2009). Keeping Mum in the Workplace: Female leaders are discovering that the ‘mothering’ skills they acquire on maternity leave are also distinctly new talents critical to successful leadership. Coaching at Work. Volume 4, Issue 1, 2 January 2009.
Liston-Smith, J and Chapman, M. A (2008). Managing Maternity in Global Financial Services through Group Coaching – Unlocking the Potential Encapsulated Within ‘A Black Box’. Presented at Equal Opportunities International Conference, July 2008.
Seligman & Steen (2005). Positive Psychology Progress: Empirical Validation of Interventions. American Psychologist.